10 Things Confident People Don’t Do:

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“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.”   –Vincent Van Gogh

Confidence is important to our success.  Study after study confirm this fact. What is confidence? How do we know if we are confident enough? Sometimes in our society we compare ourselves to seemingly confident people and feel we don’t measure up.  People can seem confident but they are actually deeply insecure.  If we truly want to build confidence, we first need to know how to build true confidence, not just fake it.

When people are truly confident in themselves and their abilities, they don’t need to show off or make other people feel bad about themselves. Here is a list to help you spot fake confidence, and build your own.

10 Things Confident People Don’t Do:

  1. Compare. Truly confident people don’t spend time comparing themselves, their lives, their children, or anything else with others.  They don’t feel the need to prove their worth because they already know it.  If you hear someone comparing themselves with others all the time, then you can be sure they have a  do not feel good enough, and are not confident in themselves. 
  2. Put Others Down.  Confidence comes from inner strength.  Confident people do not rely on putting people down in order to feel good about themselves.  In fact, truly confident people do just the opposite of tearing others down, they build people up.  They are encouraging.  A confident person will leave you feeling better about yourself not worse.
  3. Show Off.  People who are confident don’t waste their time talking about themselves all day.  They do not have to always look perfect, show off their money, or brag about their accomplishments.  In fact, truly confident people can admit they are not all together all the time. You may show up to their house with a sink full of dishes and they feel fine about themselves still.  They know their value and do not have to prove it with perfectionism.
  4. Hide Away. This is the opposite of the above point.  Truly confident people don’t shy away from life either.  They engage with others, spend time getting to know people, and embrace all life has to offer.  They are not afraid to go after their goals or hobbies. They can speak about their adventures and accomplishments with excitement and not bravado or false humility.  Confident people feel comfortable sharing about themselves.  They also enjoy listening to your accomplishments and adventures and encourage you too!
  5. Stay in negative situations out of fear.  Truly confident people can let go of negative people and situations.  They aren’t afraid to leave when things aren’t working for them. Ther feel they are worthy of respect, and don’t settle for less.  Confident people can pick up and leave if needed, even if it makes them sad or afraid.
  6. Pretend things are fine when they are not.  Confident people understand that life isn’t perfect.  They don’t feel the need to pretend that things are better than they are.  They live in the real world.  They are comfortable working through conflicts and problems because they feel confident in their ability to handle life’s challenges.
  7. Overstep your boundaries. Confident people don’t feel the need to control others in order to get their way.  In fact, they know how to meet their own needs within themselves.  They also respect your boundaries.  They take care of themselves, and understand when you need to take care of yourself too.
  8. Express their anger explosively. Everyone gets angry or upset sometimes. However, if a person has a temper that flares up fast,  then you know that person is not confident. Confident people can speak their mind in a respectful tone, even if they disagree with you.  They don’t fear that you won’t listen to them, rather they know their input is valuable.  They do not need to use anger to try to feel ‘heard’ by you.
  9. Lack Integrity.  Confident people respect laws, relationships, and limits.  They feel confident that their needs can be met without losing their integrity.  They follow through with commitments, and make decisions that align with their values.  They take responsibility for their mistakes even if it costs them something.  They don’t pass the consequences of their mistakes onto others.
  10. Fear failure. True confidence comes from embracing failure.  Confident people know that failure is a part of learning and they are not afraid to embrace it because they love learning.  They will apologize to people if needed and make amends. They aren’t afraid to ask for help because they value teamwork.  They see failure as part of life and embrace the valuable lessons it provides.

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.” —Henry Ford

Confidence doesn’t come naturally and isn’t built by just knowing these qualities.  Building confidence takes time, effort, and often therapy.  If you feel like you might struggle with self-confidence, then let me help you find yours. Call 559-697-5045 and begin your journey toward inner healing and self-confidence.

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

Top 10 Qualities to Look for in a Relationship

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Are you looking for a life partner? Are you wondering if the one you’ve got is right for you? It is hard to know when you should run from a relationship.  Sometimes you may feel the need to slow down and think about how compatible you and your partner are. When we are in love we often have a rosy our view of our partner that tend to distort reality. We may ignore signals that things in the relationship might not be right. We all enjoy the lovely warm fuzzy feelings we experience in a new relationship, it can feel magical! But..

We often ignore bad qualities in our partner, because the chemistry is so strong…

Over time though, these bad qualities can compound and become huge issues that are carried around in the relationship. We can avoid this mistake by stepping back from those warm fuzzy feelings for minute and assessing for the personal qualities that make for a great life partner.

Top 10 Qualities to Look for in a Life Partner:

  1. Is the person open and receptive to feedback? Does he/she hear out your thoughts, feelings and ideas?  Do they consider them important? If a person is unable hear a differing opinion and at least consider it, they may become disrespectful or even down right selfish. If they need you and others to constantly agree with them, pity them, make them feel secure, or are not open to change, there may be trouble ahead.
  1. Does this person notice and appreciate the gifts and strengths of others? A person who notices and comments on the gifts and strengths of others has a sense of inner security. In a relationship, this person will encourage you. When you are down, they will point out your strengths and good qualities rather than needing to compete with you or put you down.  A person who has this quality will not try to dominate others or ‘one up’ people to feel important.  Instead, they will be on your team encouraging you and grow and growing with you.
  1. Is your partner happy? When a person is generally happy they will make you smile and do whatever it takes help you find happiness. This doesn’t mean your partner can’t have a bad day, but a partner who is generally content and happy will not be focused on making themselves happy. Instead, they will find ways to include you in their happiness and that kind of joy is contagious!
  1. Honesty and directness is incredibly important in a relationship. Can your partner state their ideas and views even if they are different from yours? Can they do it respectfully and with kindness? We all like have partners who agree with us, but we must both feel free to speak about things we may not agree about. If your partner can’t do this, they will eventually become an angry doormat.  You may eventually lose respect for this person. When either partner must give in or please the other partner constantly in order to make a relationship work, the relationship is in danger. When both people are able to consider each other’s point of view, the relationship is in a good place.
  1. Does this person know you? The true you? Does he or she care about your world, ask about your goals, and your gifts? Or do you feel invisible, unheard, or misunderstood? Do they notice when you aren’t feeling yourself? A person with this quality will be interested in you and will ask about how you are and what you are up to.  They may find ways to encourage you along the way. Put simply, they are interested in YOU!
  1. Steady and productive in their work and interests. Is your partner growing? Do people respect them? Responsible is one word that might describe them. Do they follow through in areas of responsibility even when they don’t feel like it? Are they willing to take the hard road in order to take care of a responsibility or make a mistake right? Are they a good role model? Ask yourself: Would I be proud to introduce them to my family and friends? 
  1. Respects your boundaries. Does your partner respect the boundaries you put in place?  Can they respect when you say you do not want to something you or when you feel it is too soon to engage in something? If they coerce or try to manipulate you, run! That means they are not able to consider anyone other than themselves.
  1. Look for a person who is able to control their anger. Everyone gets angry or upset sometimes. However, if a person who has a temper that flares or scares you, watch out. It will get worse over years of being together and could become abusive to you and your children.
  1. Integrity is integral to any relationship. Do you and others trust that this person is honest? Have they shown signs of dishonestly in little things? Can you trust they will be faithful to you if you were in a relationship with them? If so, then you can feel peace about where your relationship is headed.  If not, you may need to reexamine the relationship because integrity is integral to healthy relationships.
  2. A healthy person cherishes who you are and feels you are the best thing that has ever happened to them. True partnership has a mutual admiration! Both people feel a sense of adoration and feel that the other partner is amazing.

Avoid these relationship pitfalls! Take off the rose-colored glasses. Consider the relationship qualities in this article. What you find is important to your future and as you build a relationship that you will love to be in. Choosing a partner for life is one of the most important decisions you will ever make!  If it is not right, don’t waste time.

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

Addiction

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Addiction

News of the opioid crisis is bombarding us through the media almost every day.  Addiction is on the rise. People are suffering. They are wasting their lives as slaves to a substance without understanding why.  Addiction is a serious problem, yet most people don’t understand it.  Sufferers feel misunderstood, rejected, and stigmatized by society and loved ones. Loved ones get confusing or contradicting advice on how to best support their loved one through their addiction.  They often wonder what can be done to help?

What is Addiction?

Addiction is complex and multifaceted.  In its simplest definition, addiction is returning to a destructive habit despite negative consequences.  If we look at brain chemistry, we can begin to understand the magnitude of the pull that addiction has over people.  Brain images show that when studying starvation and thirst the craving for food shows up as a ‘basketball’ size craving.  However, the brain scans of addicts register their addiction for drugs as the relative size of a baseball field. That is a huge difference in the size of craving, and it shows that it is unnatural.  Humans brains are not naturally wired to handle a craving that intense, which is why addictions are so difficult to overcome.   *For more information on the brain chemistry of addiction click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwZcPwlRRcc

What drives addiction can not be whittled down to just one thing. Brain chemistry, past personal history, past or ongoing trauma, domestic violence, mental health disorders, family of origin issues,  emotional abuse and many many other factors can contribute to a person’s struggle with substance abuse.  Like most things in this world, addiction is complex and unique to the person experiencing it.  Treatment therefore, should be specifically tailored to each individual.  Integrative therapy approaches that combine the use of skills, insight, and EMDR therapy provide excellent results.

If you or someone you love struggles with addiction, you should consider these important things:

  1. Support system – Recovery cannot happen alone.  One needs a strong support system of sober individuals to call upon when in need.  Alcoholics anonymous, Narcotics anonymous, and hundreds of other support groups are available.  Simply google search for one in your area and ‘shop’ around to find the right one for you.
  2. Systems and Structure – When you are newly sober, now is not the time to change up your life drastically.  Instead, create systems and structured routines in order to keep you from the 3  habits of destruction – People, Places, and Things that remind you of substance use.  These reminder can increase your cravings and lead to relapse.
  3. Medication – There are many medications that can support you through the withdrawal and recovery process.  Seek help from a medical professional or an in-patient treatment program to help you through the initial withdrawal.  This will give you a greater chance of success.
  4.  Therapy- When you combine individual therapy with a strong support system and meetings, you have the best chance at a successful recovery.  Although people can and do recover without ALL three elements, research has shown that this is not only extremely rare, it can be downright impossible for most folks.  This is by far the most effective treatment combination for success.
  5. Give Yourself Time – It takes about two years of continued treatment (or more depending on the complexity of the factors contributing to the addiction) to fully kick an addiction. Even then, some people believe that they are never completely healed.  Be patient and give yourself and your loved ones to time to heal. Time is needed not only for your brain chemistry to come back to normal, but also to heal from the emotional trauma that follows addiction.

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

Suicide Prevention

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Suicide Prevention:

Suicide is a major topic of concern in the media these days.  Suicide has touched most of us in one way or another.  We have either heard about prominent celebrities committing suicide or been heart wrenched to find out about by a friend or loved one’s suicide.  The shock of this news rings through us and we often wonder what could have been done to prevent this suicide.  We wonder what we missed, or how we could have helped the victim.

Suicide rates are on the rise.  Here are some statistics from cdc.gov, afsp.org and nihm.gov*

Statistics:

  • Suicide rates have increased by 30% since 1999
  • Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death
  • Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for those ages 10-34
  • Suicide is the 4th leading cause of death for those ages 35-55
  • For every completed suicide, 25 attempt it
  • 54% of suicide victims were not diagnosed with a mental health disorder

Suicide is not a mental disorder, it is a symptom.  Many treatable mental health disorders carry a risk of suicide, such as depression or mood disorders.   However, because of the high prevalence of mental health stigmatization in our culture, many people who could have sought treatment for suicidal impulses did not and paid the ultimate price.  It is important for us to begin to think differently about mental health.  We don’t stigmatize people for going to the doctor, why is therapy any different?  In fact, why is therapy not as routine as going to the gym?  The whole world would be better if we all sought after our mental health as much as we do our physical health.  Surprisingly, mental and physical health are very connected. More blogs to come on the link between mental and physical health…

It is important to remember is that suicide is not “selfish.”  In fact, the person considering suicide may truly believe the act is selfless because they feel like a burden to their loved ones.  For those of you who may be considering suicide, your family and friends LOVE YOU! You are not a burden, you simply need help.  We all need help sometimes and how you feel right now will most definitely pass.  Never make a permanent decision on a temporary feeling.

One of the many questions that go through a loved one’s minds when thinking about preventing suicide are: “What are the warning signs?” and “What can I do to help if I see these signs in a loved one?”

Warning Signs:

  • Extreme Mood Swings or Sadness: Long-lasting sadness, mood swings, and outbursts of rage.
  • Being Isolated/ Withdrawal: Not feeling connected to anything or anyone. Isolating from people or activities one once loved this includes the loss of interest or pleasure in most or all activities the person previously enjoyed. Choosing to be alone and avoiding friends or social activities.
  • Feeling Trapped: Talking about unbearable pain, or talking about being a burden to others.
  • Hopelessness: Feeling a deep sense of hopelessness about the future, with the sense that circumstances cannot improve.
  • Sleep Disturbance – Sleeping to little or too much.
  • Sudden relief from sadness, a feeling of calm, or even joy: Suddenly becoming calm of elation after a long period of depression or moodiness.
  • Changes in personality and/or appearance: A person who is considering suicide might exhibit marked changes in attitude or behavior.  This can often include a “slowing down” effect in speech, thinking and affect (facial expressions).  This could also be a “speeding up” in dangerous behaviors, risk taking, or talking about these topics more often. In addition, the person might suddenly become less concerned about his or her personal appearance and hygiene.
  • Increased anxiety, agitation, or rage: Talking about seeking revenge or behaving recklessly.
  • Dangerous or self-harmful behavior: Risky behavior, such as reckless driving, engaging in unsafe sex, and increased use of drugs and/or alcohol.
  • Increased alcohol or drug use: Using substances to cope with uncontrollable symptoms. This can decrease inhibitions and therefore increase the risk of suicide attempts due to low impulse control.
  • Recent trauma or life crisis: Major life transitions or crises may give rise to suicidal ideation and attempts. Crises include the death of a loved one or pet, divorce or break-up of a relationship, losing housing, diagnosis of a major illness, loss of a job, or serious financial problems.
  • Making preparations: Looking for access to lethal means such as buying a firearm or other means like poison or drugs. Visiting friends and family members out of the blue and saying goodbye. Talking as though they will never see you again. Giving away personal possessions. Making a will. Cleaning up room or home. Writing a suicide.
  • Threatening suicide: From 50% to 75% of those considering suicide will give someone a warning sign. However, not everyone who is considering suicide will say so, and not everyone who threatens suicide will follow through with it.

Every threat of suicide should be taken seriously. Many people wonder if they should even bring up the topic to someone who they suspect is suicidal.   The answer is yes!  Talking about suicide is to prevent suicide.  You cannot make someone suicidal by asking them if they are, on the other hand, if you do ask, then you have an opportunity to provide help.

If you suspect a loved one is suicidal:

    • Ask: Make sure you use the right works such as “Do you want to kill yourself?” or “Do you want to commit suicide?”
    • Take any weapons: If the person has means to a weapon or other object they could use to hurt themselves, remove it from the immediate premises and restrict their access to it if possible.
    • Call 911 or take the person to the emergency room right away: Tell the person you cannot let them hurt themselves and that you are going to get them the help they need.
    • Don’t leave the person alone: Utilize friends or family to stay with the person if needed while you call for help.  Or call for help while the person is in your care.
    • Help them connect: Help them understand that you care about them and still want them around.
    • Find a Qualified Therapist: Just because this crisis is over, does not meant that the person is “out of the woods” yet.  Make sure that your loved one receives regular psychotherapy and even psychiatric treatment from a qualified professional so they can find relief and recovery, as well as learn to cope with any suicidal feelings they might have again in the future.
    • Follow up: Make sure after the crisis ends that you are checking in with them on a regular basis.

If you feel suicidal:

  • Call someone for help: You can call anonymously 1(800) 273-8255 (24/7 to talk with the suicide prevention hotline), call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.
  • Find a qualified therapist.

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

 

**Statistics are from: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide.shtml; https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/; https://www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/suicide/index.html