Should Happiness Be Our Goal?

Recently, I have been thinking about the preconceived notions we have about happiness and its essentialness to life.  I began exploring this idea several years ago.  Today however, as I sat on my couch with a cup of tea, an empty house, and a bunch of congestion from a cold this idea quietly began to percolate again.  Happiness isn’t enough.  I was watching a show about a man who had to give up his dream of being a teacher to run his father’s pizza shop after his father died.  He struggled with it for a long time.  Then an idea came to him to express himself through his pizza instead of living his father’s legacy.  He struggled for years to make this idea come to life.  He lost relationships and worked long hours.  He was unhappy for a long time.  Then his work resulted in finding not only an expression of his creativity but balance, a new appreciation for what he lost in this pursuit (his relationships).  He mended fences and now is passing this gift on to his son, allowing him to express himself through his work.  So now he found balance, meaning, and purpose.  Had he never gone through the pain of change, he would never have found this beautiful gift.  What is happiness?  

In my profession I hear story after story of unhappiness.  Sometimes this unhappiness lingers for long periods of time.  I have seen people instinctively move towards it and I have seen people struggle as they try to avoid it.  Sometimes they avoid it with pills prescribed to them, or sometimes by jumping into different relationships.  They may avoid it temporarily by drinking, or obsessing about a job or hobby.  We have a million ways to attempt to avoid unhappiness.  I’m guilty of trying to avoid this feeling myself in a myriad of ways.  Usually the things we use to avoid the feeling keep us permanently in it.  As I have matured, done my inner work, and embraced some terrible feelings I have seen the fruits of them.  Now, there are less and less “off limits” feelings that I don’t allow in.

  The fruit of unhappiness (which can be my catch all phrase for complex feelings like grief, guilt/shame, despair, loneliness, discomfort, insecurity) is meaning.  Meaning is not a feeling, it’s a sense of purpose in the chaos.  It’s a sense that this is happening for a reason, the reason is an inner reason, not an outer reason.  The inner reason is the ‘gold’ that comes from the inner work we do.  It is not necessarily happening for some outer world benefit, although that can happen too but is not the goal, it’s just the cherry on top.  The meaning may not be fully understandable for a long time, or maybe the full meaning will never be seen in this lifetime for you. Sometimes it can only be seen in enough tiny pieces that we know it’s there.  Meaning might be the creative expression of something that took years to bring to a place of almost perfection.  This can look like the culmination or passing down of wisdom gained from one’s life’s work.  Or meaning might be trust in your inner guide.  Meaning might be an inner resource gained from the experience that helps you for the rest of your life.  Meaning is complex and must be searched out.  Meaning is just beyond the temporary pain and resides in the inner gold.  The inner gift that would otherwise never have been gained had you not gone through the tough thing.  

When I see people search for meaning in the pain, the pain becomes bearable and even dare I say?  Sometimes fun…  Once we know what’s being produced (or at least what our tiny human brains can comprehend of what’s being produced) from the pain we aren’t afraid of it anymore.  It is like going to the gym.  Once you know that sore arm or leg means a stronger arm or leg later than you relish the pain.  You go to your friend and say “I’m so sore!” with glee instead of fear or dread. When we search for meaning we become less afraid of the tough times because we know they create something inside us that we can use, some resilience or even some enormous gift.  

I’ve been seeing this more and more lately in my work.  Someone tells me a story of something terrible, but then something good that came from it that they didn’t see.  I have to point out the inner meaning, then the thing they went through was less terrible and more meaningful.  When we embrace unhappiness instead of trying to outrun it, follow our inner guide, we get to find this meaning.  Meaning is so much more nourishing to our souls than mere happiness.  It enables us to warmly embrace all of life, to be fully human.  We can be present in the mundane, the despair, and the joy.  When we understand this we also don’t feel anxious about other people’s unhappiness.  We know that if our child or spouse feels unhappy that it is just meaning in the oven, once baked they will enjoy a more mindful and present life.  

Yes, I have seen people embrace and lean into unhappiness and their return on investment is well worth the price paid.  I read an article once that stated something to the fact that wanting our children to be happy was too much pressure for them.  I agree.  We should want for ourselves and our children to have a fully human existence.  One fraught with pain, struggle, the overcoming of the struggle, building of resilience and self confidence, that eventually leads to following one’s destiny with bravery.  Our children shouldn’t rely on us to make this happen for them, we should teach them they are capable of making it happen for themselves.  They can embrace the struggle and find meaning from it. Let’s not model striving for a perfect and happy life.  Perfect and happy doesn’t exist anyway.  It’s a false idea that keeps us distracted from finding the meaning.

Are you ready for healing? Contact me to set up a therapy session today!

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up an online therapy appointment today! Appointments also available to anyone residing in California via video chat software. Online or in-person sessions offered for Truckee or Tahoe residents at the Reno office.

Do you live in Reno area? I offer in person and online sessions for local clients.

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

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What is validation and why is it so important?

Validation

One of the most important skills we can learn in therapy is validation.  Validation is communicating to someone that what they feel, think, and believe is real, logical, understandable, and important. Validation improves relationships by calming intense situations. People respond positively when they feel understood.  Validation helps us feel safe and not defensive.

We can validate others by…

  • Listening with empathy.
  • Trying to understand the person’s experience without judgement.
  • Repeating what you hear in different words and asking if that is correct.
  • Avoiding advice giving or talking about your opinions.
  • Telling others that what their feeling makes sense.
  • Avoiding solving problems for the person.

Validation and approval are different.  We are not required to approve of someone else’s behavior when we validate their emotions, thoughts, or experiences.  We are simply entering into a state of understanding, without trying to change or manipulate anything.  This is not a behavior modification tool, this is a relational skill we use to help us understand each other more deeply, begin to problem solve, feel connected with someone.

Self-Invalidation

Self-invalidation is the process of questioning our feelings or labeling them as right or wrong/good or bad.  It often looks like asking ourselves if we ‘should’ feel this way, or if it is ‘wrong’ to feel this way.  We also invalidate ourselves by:

  • Pushing inconvenient feelings aside in hopes they will go away.
  • Giving someone else the caretaking that we desperately crave.
  • Working really hard to convince someone else that our feelings matter and are important.
  • Looking to others for clues on how we should feel is invalidating.
  • “Should-ing” ourselves

Self-Validation

When we validate ourselves, we are working to lower our defenses in order to feel our emotions without judgement, self-doubt, or the need for justifications.  We simply let our feelings be what they are, for as long as they need.  Self-validation helps us let go of exhausting attempts at trying to prove to others that our emotions, experiences, or thoughts are important, real, and make sense.  Self-validation occurs when you reassure yourself that what you are feeling or thinking is important, logical, reasonable, and makes sense (or will make more sense when it is explored more deeply in therapy).  We also validate ourselves when we say things like:

  • Given my childhood this feeling makes sense.
  • With my diagnosis, I’m bound to have these feelings from time to time.
  • Many people in my life stage feel this way.
  • These circumstances are affecting me a lot.

Self-validation must proceed any growth in therapy because we must first understand ourselves without judgement in order to give ourselves room to grow.

We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”

C.G. Jung

In order to accept something, we must understand it, and that takes deep inner work in therapy.

Are you ready for healing? Contact me to set up a therapy session today!

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up an online therapy appointment today! Appointments also available to anyone residing in California via video chat software. Online or in-person sessions offered for Truckee or Tahoe residents at the Reno office.

Do you live in Reno area? I offer in person and online sessions for local clients.

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

What a waste to just get through it…

What a waste, to just get through it but not grow from it.

            As I ponder what to say about tragedy, loss, and suffering, I can’t help from musing about the meaning of it all.  I wonder how many people waste their tragic moments trying to avoid another one.  Which is ultimately trying to control the uncontrollable.  I also wonder how many people waste it by clinging even harder to things in the concrete world that provide fleeting pleasure, in an effort to “just get through it.” Through this effort they do find a little relief, but no growth.  Everything we go through, even the most traumatic and distressing experiences, have a gift for us if we are able to find it. We only get to unwrap this gift when we find the meaning we derived from the experience and use it for our own inner growth.

            There is growing understanding that those who suffer with PTSD after a traumatic experience and those who experience Post Traumatic Growth have one big difference, the feeling of being helpless/hopeless.  When things feel hopeless or you feel as though you are helpless. We we feel this way we stop trying to find the meaning in our circumstances, stop growing, and we begin to deteriorate emotionally.  When this happens people begin to try to control things in the external world, shut down their emotions, dissociate, get really angry and lash out, abuse substances, over/under eat, or engage in many other maladaptive behaviors. This is because of their efforts to control things that can’t be controlled like life and death, or our emotions.    

            So how do we gain a sense of hopefulness and agency over our life without resorting to these behaviors? It is really difficult to image how this can be done when so much is beyond our immediate control.  Well, there are lots of ways, but one best is to find our meaning. We can try and find out how this tragedy is developing our personal story, our inner being in positive ways.  Begin by searching for what the experience has taught you about yourself or the world. Find out what you beauty this experience has given you that you can bring with you for the rest of your life.  Are you more appreciative of the people around you? Are you realizing something important about your work/family life balance? These insights can be many and pervasive when difficulty strikes. You can also ask yourself good questions. Don’t be afraid of the darkness that may come from the answers.  Don’t judge yourself.  Here are some questions to get you started on your quest for meaning, should you want to find some:  Where do most I feel at home? What am I learning about myself?  What are my beliefs about death?  What would I change if death was closer than I thought? Do I have something I still need to do?  Is my work meaningful to me or to the world? Why am I in this relationship?  Who are my true friends?  What role does play and creativity play in my life?  What am I missing? 

Don’t waste this time by just getting through this crisis, find a way to grow and connect to yourself more deeply.

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

8 Rules for Finding Inner Peace

Exercise

Exercise is not only good for our bodies but also for our brains.  Exercise relieves stress, boosts energy, improves sleep, reduces anxiety, reduces depression, and releases endorphins which produce in us a feeling of peace and well-being. Exercise is one of those habits that is so healthy for our mental health that it finds itself at the top of this list! https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1470658/

Make Peace with the Past

The past can haunt us, and if we let it, it can spoil our future.  Make efforts to let the past be a lesson for you, not a definition of you.  Your past does not define you, your efforts do.  If you struggle letting go of the past, a depth oriented therapist can help you explore it and put it to rest so it does not keep haunting you.  Maybe you need to find forgiveness, validate the pain, or move through grief, but you CAN move past the past! It is possible to find freedom from its grip on you.

Time Heals Everything

Our scars make us who we are.  They are our greatest ally if we let them be.  Given enough time and self-compassion, our scars will turn into our strengths.  Scars create compassion, perseverance, grit, and love if we will take the time to let them heal with compassionate presence (the healing balm of all inner wounds).

What Others Think of You is NONE of your Business

Opinions are a dime a dozen.  Judgmental opinions of you have more to do with the person carrying them than they do you.  In order to find peace, we must understand that we will never escape judgement and become at peace with it.  Judgement is simply a result of an insecurity in another person, so let it lie in them, don’t take it on.  It is none of your business.

Knowing the Answer is not a Solution

Oftentimes we want to understand why things happen, or get answers we will never have.  Sometimes there is no answer and there never will be.  Or maybe, knowing the answer will bring more pain.  Trying to find the answer to why is not a solution to the problem.  The solution is to start with self-compassion/self-validation and then take the next step forward, this will bring the most peace.

No One Can MAKE You Unhappy

There is a choice we must all make when faced with people who cause us pain.  We can either continue to be in a relationship with them and accept the pain, or we can move on from the relationship and the pain.  When we constantly badger people into becoming what we want them to be (so we can be happy) we miss out on peace.  Letting go can mean more pain temporarily as we grieve the loss of the relationship or our idealizations, but in the end, if we grieve and move forward, we begin to find healing, self-respect, and eventually peace.

Comparison is the Enemy

Comparing your life to another person’s is a trap.  We never know what is really going on in someone else’s life.  Especially when we are comparing our real life to someone’s social media life.  Social media is a false narrative where people always seem happier than they really are.  Don’t compare, live your life to the fullest.  In fact, take a break from comparing and take note of how you feel during the break.  You will find that you may not be unhappy with your life, but that in fact, comparison is actually the thing you are unhappy with in the end.

Rise up

When we find ourselves feeling down, we can decide to give in and lie down, or we can rise up.  Maybe that means we smile at someone today, or pet a puppy.  Rising can mean different things to different people, but the concept is that we can reach for joy, gratitude, and connection every day, even on the most difficult days.  Sometimes that means reaching out to a therapist, sometimes it means hugging your child, or sharing coffee with a friend.  It may mean being vulnerable, asking for help, or simply talking a walk.  There are thousands of small actions one can take in a day to improve the day, you just need to pick one and start today.

My name is Debra Schmitt, I am a therapist in Visalia, CA.  If you need support in your journey toward inner peace, please give me a call (559) 697-5045.  I would love to help you rise up and find deep inner healing.

“I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.”  — Walter Anderson

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

How to Communicate in Relationships

Healthy Communication Skills:

When it feels like all you and your partner do is argue, it can feel helpless.   Healthy communication skills may help you to maintain openness and emotional intimacy when trying to have an emotionally charged conversation. Avoiding conflict creates an inner conflict and promotes distance between you and your partner. It is extremely important to remember to speak with respect to your partner.  No one wants to be parented by their partner. For the person receiving the message it’s belittling and they hear the message that they don’t have it together, which can feel deflating.

So what do you do?

One thing I want to tell you is that speaking with aggression in your voice is destructive. Remember your goal is to take care of yourself and the relationship. When you speak to your partner with gentleness and respect the person will have the opportunity to become emotionally closer to you.  If you speak in an angry or disrespectful manner, there will be no opportunity for closeness, as everyone’s defenses will rise up.  However, the following is a skill called the three part message, will help you begin to talk about difficult issues while maintaining an atmosphere of love and respect for both you and your partner.

Here are the three parts of healthy communication:

  • Part one: Speak about what is hurting you. It goes something like this… “When you don’t call me when you are coming home late”… Simply put, describe what is bothering without any added fluff, just the facts.
  • Part two: Describe what feelings you have about the behavior in a non-confrontational manner. For example, “I feel afraid that something has happened to you and sometimes I feel disregarded.” It is important to not express the feeling of anger, instead go deeper to what hurt is under your anger.
  • Part three: Express the consequence that happens as a result of the behavior. For instance, you might end by saying “and then I want to stay away from you.”

So to put all together the three part message may go like this: “When you don’t call me when you’re going to be home late, I feel afraid something has happened to you and I feel disregarded. When this happens, I want to stay away from you.”

When you voice your concerns in the three-part message, you are respectful of yourself and your partner. If you feel stuck and unable to speak your voice well, give me a call, I would love to help you learn to communicate in ways that benefit both you and your relationships.

“The most functional way to regulate difficult emotions in love relationships is to share them.”
― Sue Johnson, Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

Are You a People Pleaser?

Have you ever wondered if you are a people pleaser?

If so, you may have questioned how you might ‘fix’ yourself so others will be happy.  Do you concern yourself more with the happiness of other people than you do your own?  People pleasers often fear doing things that are easy for others, like setting boundaries or making a decision about dinner.  In severe cases, they can struggle to even talk about themselves.  People pleasers are in a constant state of anxiety about what other people are thinking about them. They spend inordinate amounts of time taking care of other people, forgetting their own needs in the process.  Sadly, most people who engage in people pleasing don’t recognize what they are doing.  People pleasers see themselves as inherently bad, and fear that caretaking is the only way to avoid abandonment.  They assume that if they set boundaries then everyone will leave them, or even that they will have no purpose in life.  The fact is, only unhealthy people leave relationships when someone stops people pleasing.  Further, those relationships are very unhealthy.  Healthy people respect boundaries and enjoy relationships  with people who have them. Too often, the very relationships people pleasers attract, are with people who are abusive.  This can end up reinforcing the idea that the people pleaser is ’unlovable’ or ‘bad.’

I think I might be a people pleaser, now what?

If you fear you may be a people pleaser, the following is a list of a few ideas that might help you to overcome this habit.  Although this list is meant to be helpful, it is not a substitute for personal therapy.  People pleasing happens as a result of some deep rooted pain, as well as many wrong messages one received while growing up.  It is difficult (if not impossible) to stop people pleasing without individual therapy.  However, this list may help you start the process of shedding your people pleasing ways, and begin taking care of yourself.

How do I stop?

  1. List your priorities – This will help you slow down and make decisions based on your personal goals instead of what other people want from you.
  2. Draw out your circle of friendship – This exercise helps you to prioritize your relationships. Not everyone in your life can be your top priority. People pleasers can sometimes neglect healthy relationships. This exercise can help you cut out toxic people so you don’t waste important emotional energy trying to please people who will never be able to have a mutual relationship.
  3. Cut people off – I know this sounds harsh to a people pleaser, but it is an important step. New evidence suggests that we cannot have priorities, we can only prioritize.  It is important to know who we should invest our limited time in, and who is a drain on our mental health.
  4. Stop all excuses – Although painful, it is important not to explain your decisions to others unless absolutely necessary.  This gives the message to them (and more importantly, to yourself) that your life is your own. There are complex reasons why you are making the decisions you are making and unless people have walked in your shoes their entire life (which is impossible) they probably won’t always understand them.  Also, only intrusive people insist on knowing your reasons for everything you do.
  5. Love yourself first – Just like in the airplane, if you don’t put on your own oxygen mask first, you will not be able to help the person next to you. You can only help other people from your reserves of energy, not from your emptiness.

People pleasers often have very few boundaries and let people walk all over them.  It is important to have mutual relationships.  If you find yourself always reaching out you may be in a one sided relationship.  A relationship is a dance, and no one can dance without their partner putting in their side of the effort.

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

4 Relationship Destroying Behaviors

 

 

 

 

Relationships, are like anything else in life, they take work.  Would you expect to get a job as CEO of a large company right out of high school with no training or experience? Of course not! Yet many people think this way about relationships.  We expect to have happy relationships and marriages without any formal training, couples therapy, or work.  We often expect our relationship will simply be great on its own, without any planning or effort.

Our relational health has as much to do with our own mental health as it does with the health of the relationships that surround us.  If you are in your own personal therapy you are setting yourself up for a more successful relationship.  However, if your partner or family members are not working on themselves as well, your relationships won’t be as fulfilling as they can be. Why?  Because we can only be as healthy as our environment allows.

Many times, when one person starts getting healthy it upsets the ‘apple cart’ of their relationships.  Some people may try and get the ‘old you’ back by criticizing, telling you ‘you’ve changed’, and pushing back against your new boundaries.  This is a little like find out your old clothes don’t fit anymore and everyone asking you to put them back on.

Have you ever met a perfect person?  No? Then you know it is impossible to have two perfectly healthy people in a relationship.  Every couple get couples therapy, attend workshops, or read relationship books together on a regular basis.  These things are not just for when a relationship is in crisis.  These practices help us maintain a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

The 4 Relationship Destroying Behaviors

If you are experiencing any of the 4 behaviors that are destructive to relationships, you should not wait for things to resolve on their own.  Get into couples therapy, read literature, or go to a couple’s workshop soon in order to get your relationship back on track.

Criticism
  1. Criticism is not a critique or complaint, which are often helpful in relationships and are to be expected. Criticisms on the other hand attack a person’s character, worth, or assume another’s motives.

    1. Critiques or complaints start with I statements. I feel this way when you do this.
    2. Criticisms start with ‘you’ statements – you never think about others, you are so selfish, you are never on time,  ect.
Contempt
  1. Contempt goes beyond criticism. It is communication from a resentful place.  It is criticism laced with seething underlying anger.  Contempt goes beyond ‘you statements’ to an outright sense of superiority over others.
    1. Contempt mocks, belittles, and invalidates another person and their experience.
    2. Examples: “You are worthless” “Oh, cry me a river,”  “You are so lazy and selfish”
Defensiveness
  1. Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism and very common in relationships.  However, it can also be utterly destructive to relationships. Defensiveness allows us to remain in a victim roll, and makes us feel better about ourselves.  However, what defensiveness tells our partner is very concerning.  It tells them that we don’t take their concerns seriously, and we can’t or won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.
    1. Defensiveness  can look like skirting a question. For example: One partner asks “Did you take the trash out today like you said you would yesterday?” Defensive partner “Why do you always nag me? I was so busy today, I have a meeting at 9am and ….”
    2. Defensiveness can also look like blaming others. Given the same questions as above, a defensive partner may reply, “Why didn’t you take the trash out? If it is so important to you, you should do it yourself.”
Stonewalling
  1. Stonewalling is shutting down, turning away, and leaving the relationship ‘hanging’ in the middle of a disagreement. This behavior shuts out the other person and gives them and the relationship no chance to repair and reconnect.  Often, arguing with a partner can feel too overwhelming to tolerate, and stonewalling can feel like an easy way out of the argument.  A stonewalling partner may get “flooded” emotionally and need to take a break regroup before entering the conversation which is understandable.  But a stonewaller may instead completely block the other person out making a repair and reconnection impossible.
    1. Instead of stonewalling, a better approach would be to take a break by saying something like this, “I am feeling too overwhelmed right now to talk about this in a healthy way. I need a few minutes to regroup and then it will be easier to talk this through with you.”

It is important to identify these destructive 4 behaviors in your relationship and replace them with healthier communication tools.  Relationships are complex and many couples benefit from the help of couple’s therapy to overcome them.  If you feel as though you could use help with your communication, give me a call. I can help you!

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

From Loss to Love

Think of the most painful moment of your life.  Just take a moment to actually think of it.  Was there a sense of loss attached to it?  Loss of a piece of yourself, loss of your dignity, loss of trust, loss of a person you loved?  Grief is painful.  The trouble with pain is that it is a signal to stop, turn around, change something, and to avoid potential harm.  We know this instinctively when we pull away from the sting of a bee, or a hot pan.  However, not everything painful is to be avoided.  Not everything we experience that is painful harms us.  In fact, sometimes the painful thing is what heals us and grows us. Sadness from loss does not mean something is broken or needs to be avoided. It simply means something important to you is gone and it is imperative that you identify what it is and honor the importance it had in your life.  This is what we call grief, and it is not always about losing a loved one (although it certainly can be) it is about any loss we experience.  In the midst of grief we might try to stop the memories, pleasant or painful.  We may try to push the pain of memories away, in an attempt to self-protect.  But the pain doesn’t go away when it is suppressed or avoided, it is still right there, under the surface, waiting to pounce.  Avoidance doesn’t lower the level of suffering, it simply makes suffering the problem instead of the loss.  The more you suppress the feelings, the harder it is to keep it them down.  This is when grief can turn into depression, anxiety, anger and a whole list of other symptoms.  The pain of loss is still there, it has just taken a different form.

Loss and painful emotions have some big lessons to teach us.  Pain instructs us about compassion and if we let it and do our own work we need to do in therapy.  Pain leads us to the source of wisdom that sets us free from the pain.  Grief instructs us about what is important in life. It provides opportunity for learning how to love truly, and increases our flexibility.  To open your heart to loss, is to open your heart to love.

“Growth is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck” – Mandy Hale

What to do with grief and loss:

  1. Acknowledge it – before healing can commence, we must know there is a wound. No feelings are good, bad,or off limits.  Feelings don’t define us, they just are.  They are here one minute and gone the next.  We need to stop and acknowledge what we are grieving and our feelings about the loss before we can move toward growth.
  2. Embrace the feelings – although uncomfortable, these painful feelings will not last forever. They may ebb and flow, but eventually they will lessen in intensity as we allow them to be present. To distract from grief is one way to ensure it will last a very long time. Sometimes there may be feelings that you feel don’t belong to grief, like freedom or joy, embrace those too, they are normal. Try not to judge your emotions.
  3. Prepare to be overwhelmed – Like a strong wave, grief may crash and spiral to the point where it feels overwhelming.  It will eventually soothe, just as the wave eventually comes to the shore.
  4. Watch your thoughts – Don’t judge yourself. “I should be over this by now,” “If only I’d done something different,” “I will never let myself be vulnerable like this again,” and “This is my fault” are examples of unhelpful and distorted thoughts.  Although a normal part of grief, it is important to distance yourself a bit and know that they might be completely untrue, or twisted.  Step back and unhook them. Set those negative thoughts aside, and decide to deal with them later, perhaps with a therapist or safe loved one who will show you the truth about yourself and won’t make you feel judged.
  5. Act on your beliefs and values – It is important to keep  your values front and center during a time of loss. Act in accordance with them despite the ebb and flow of your emotions and thoughts. Even if these emotions feel counter to your values and beliefs. Sometimes it is helpful to talk with a therapist or close friend about how these feelings might be distorting your actions away from your beliefs and values. Maybe your values and beliefs have changed, that is ok too, this can happen when we experience loss.
  6. Practice self-compassion – take care of yourself . Now is not the time to take on new things or get stressed out with additional work.  Accept help from a friend or loved one, or hire someone to do things around the house for a while.  Talk to yourself with compassion.

What now?

Loss and love come in a single package.  The fact that you feel loss, means you loved something or someone deeply.  Despite cultural messages that tell us to avoid painful feelings like the plague, grief is the stuff of life.  Like salt is to sugar, we need pain and joy to fully experience life as it is. Don’t avoid pain using drugs, anger, vacations, alcohol, T.V. or video games, shopping or material goods, or anything else that can cover up our grief and feelings of loss.  This only increases the pain and twists is into something else more menacing. To close yourself to pain and vulnerability is to close yourself off to love, or the ability and connect.

If you connected with this article and wish you could move through some pain to connect to the wisdom and love on the other side let me help you. Call 559-697-5045 and begin your journey toward inner healing

“If it was easy, everyone would do it.” — Jimmy Dugan

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Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

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