Category Archives: Relationships

Does He Love Me

He Says He Loves Me but I Don’t Feel It…

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Does he love me?

Are you wondering if your partner really loves you?  Do you sometimes you feel rejected when you aren’t sure why?  Often our emotions can fool us.  We might feel confident in a relationship when things are not healthy, or we may feel unloved when our partner does really love us.  With all this confusion, how can we know if we are in a good relationship?  You may wonder does he really loves me even when I don’t feel it?

How to know if he loves me or is just using me?

  1. How often do you ‘feel’ his love? If you feel it most of the time but occasionally feel a distance when he is distracted or angry with you, then things may just be normal. Feeling his love most but not all of the time is a sign that things are ok between you.  Normal couples have moments when things don’t always feel loving.  However, if you two come back and work things out then congratulations, you are a normal couple.
  2. He initiates conversations with you. Maybe it is via text, or a “hello how was your day” when you get home, there are good signs he loves you. Although these things seem mundane, they are actually signs he is interested in you and how you are doing.
  3. He says can say sorry and tries to change. If you have a fight or get upset at one another, if he will then tell you he is sorry and wants to fix things and then attempts to do the things you ask of him this is a good sign.  Even if these things don’t make you ‘feel’ loved, these are signs that love he does in fact love you and want to make the relationship work.
  4. He comes around for more than sex. Good sexual chemistry can be a sign the health of a relationship, but it can also be a warning sign of a bad relationship.  If all you have is sexual chemistry he may not love you, but is simply attracted to your looks. Although it can be nice to feel attractive, ultimately you may end up feeling empty, used, and wondering if he loves you. This may be a sign that you need therapy in order to figure out what is happening in your relationship.
  5. He is considerate of you and includes you in his plans. If he is including you in his life this is a good sign.  He may show this by asking about whether you have plans for this Saturday or if it is ok if he can hang with the guys, he is showing you that you are his priority.  Just because he wants to do things that are interesting to him that don’t include you does not mean he does not love you.  If he includes you in his plans, even when they aren’t with you it is a sign that he loves you.
  6. He is faithful. Over and over, studies show that happy couples are monogamous and faithful to one another.  Healthy relationships don’t include cheating or threatening to cheat.  If your partner has been unfaithful, you may need to reevaluate the toll this is taking on you and your relationship.  If his words aren’t lining up with his actions you may need to see a therapist or go to couple’s therapy together in order to figure out why this is happening.

I know he loves me, but I don’t feel it.

There are a lot of reasons why people can’t feel love even when they have a partner who is trying to show them.

  1. You may have never known true love. It may be that you are a bit mixed up about what love is. Maybe you were not shown consistent love growing up, or perhaps your parents’ relationship was not healthy.  Maybe you have never seen an example of love in your life.  Perhaps you are mixing up the idea of chemistry with love.  These issues might keep you from being able to feel his love for you.
  2. You don’t know how to reconnect with your partner. Sometimes it isn’t you, and it isn’t him either, it is ‘we’.  What this means is that although you both may be healthy and in love, it takes work to keep the connection alive.  This is where a marriage workshop may help, or even couple’s therapy.  You may wonder if couple’s therapy is for you.  Give me a call for a free 10-minute consultation at (559) 697-5045 and I can help you decide.

What is more important than building a relationship that is fulfilling for both partners?

Being the “best you can be” is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.” 
― Sue Johnson, Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

Does He Love Me

From Loss to Love

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Think of the most painful moment of your life.  Just take a moment to actually think of it.  Was there a sense of loss attached to it?  Loss of a piece of yourself, loss of your dignity, loss of trust, loss of a person you loved?  Grief is painful.  The trouble with pain is that it is a signal to stop, turn around, change something, and to avoid potential harm.  We know this instinctively when we pull away from the sting of a bee, or a hot pan.  However, not everything painful is to be avoided.  Not everything we experience that is painful harms us.  In fact, sometimes the painful thing is what heals us and grows us. Sadness from loss does not mean something is broken or needs to be avoided. It simply means something important to you is gone and it is imperative that you identify what it is and honor the importance it had in your life.  This is what we call grief, and it is not always about losing a loved one (although it certainly can be) it is about any loss we experience.  In the midst of grief we might try to stop the memories, pleasant or painful.  We may try to push the pain of memories away, in an attempt to self-protect.  But the pain doesn’t go away when it is suppressed or avoided, it is still right there, under the surface, waiting to pounce.  Avoidance doesn’t lower the level of suffering, it simply makes suffering the problem instead of the loss.  The more you suppress the feelings, the harder it is to keep it them down.  This is when grief can turn into depression, anxiety, anger and a whole list of other symptoms.  The pain of loss is still there, it has just taken a different form.

Loss and painful emotions have some big lessons to teach us.  Pain instructs us about compassion and if we let it and do our own work we need to do in therapy.  Pain leads us to the source of wisdom that sets us free from the pain.  Grief instructs us about what is important in life. It provides opportunity for learning how to love truly, and increases our flexibility.  To open your heart to loss, is to open your heart to love.

“Growth is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck” – Mandy Hale

What to do with grief and loss:

  1. Acknowledge it – before healing can commence, we must know there is a wound. No feelings are good, bad,or off limits.  Feelings don’t define us, they just are.  They are here one minute and gone the next.  We need to stop and acknowledge what we are grieving and our feelings about the loss before we can move toward growth.
  2. Embrace the feelings – although uncomfortable, these painful feelings will not last forever. They may ebb and flow, but eventually they will lessen in intensity as we allow them to be present. To distract from grief is one way to ensure it will last a very long time. Sometimes there may be feelings that you feel don’t belong to grief, like freedom or joy, embrace those too, they are normal. Try not to judge your emotions.
  3. Prepare to be overwhelmed – Like a strong wave, grief may crash and spiral to the point where it feels overwhelming.  It will eventually soothe, just as the wave eventually comes to the shore.
  4. Watch your thoughts – Don’t judge yourself. “I should be over this by now,” “If only I’d done something different,” “I will never let myself be vulnerable like this again,” and “This is my fault” are examples of unhelpful and distorted thoughts.  Although a normal part of grief, it is important to distance yourself a bit and know that they might be completely untrue, or twisted.  Step back and unhook them. Set those negative thoughts aside, and decide to deal with them later, perhaps with a therapist or safe loved one who will show you the truth about yourself and won’t make you feel judged.
  5. Act on your beliefs and values – It is important to keep  your values front and center during a time of loss. Act in accordance with them despite the ebb and flow of your emotions and thoughts. Even if these emotions feel counter to your values and beliefs. Sometimes it is helpful to talk with a therapist or close friend about how these feelings might be distorting your actions away from your beliefs and values. Maybe your values and beliefs have changed, that is ok too, this can happen when we experience loss.
  6. Practice self-compassion – take care of yourself . Now is not the time to take on new things or get stressed out with additional work.  Accept help from a friend or loved one, or hire someone to do things around the house for a while.  Talk to yourself with compassion.

What now?

Loss and love come in a single package.  The fact that you feel loss, means you loved something or someone deeply.  Despite cultural messages that tell us to avoid painful feelings like the plague, grief is the stuff of life.  Like salt is to sugar, we need pain and joy to fully experience life as it is. Don’t avoid pain using drugs, anger, vacations, alcohol, T.V. or video games, shopping or material goods, or anything else that can cover up our grief and feelings of loss.  This only increases the pain and twists is into something else more menacing. To close yourself to pain and vulnerability is to close yourself off to love, or the ability and connect.

If you connected with this article and wish you could move through some pain to connect to the wisdom and love on the other side let me help you. Call 559-697-5045 and begin your journey toward inner healing

“If it was easy, everyone would do it.” — Jimmy Dugan

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

 

Is It Anger or Abuse?

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It can be scary and frustrating when someone expresses anger toward us.  We may wonder if this is healthy or abusive.  In the heat of the moment we may want to retaliate.  We may feel the need to set boundaries but are afraid to do so.  We may wonder whether the anger is abuse.

What is Anger?

One thing to consider is that all feelings and are not good or bad, they just are…it is what we do with our feelings that can be good or bad (or as I like to say, healthy or unhealthy).  Healthy anger is adaptive and protects us.  When we follow its trail inside us we find deep hurts, fears and disappointments.   These softer feelings are called primary emotions.  Primary emotions bring a sense of connection when shared and in a healthy partner, elicit empathy.  When we share anger, this leads to disconnection and hurt feelings that can eventually lead to resentment.  However, there are healthy ways to work with anger that can help us heal and grow.

One of the first steps toward healing is to distinguish between anger and abuse.

Here is a checklist adapted from David Ricco’s writings that may help.

True anger is always mindful.
Abuse is ego-driven and caught in mindsets.

True anger is a form of assertiveness that shows respect.
Abuse is aggressive, an attack.

True anger shows tough love that enriches or repairs the relationship.
Abuse explodes in rough or damaging mistreatment that endangers the relationship.

True anger arises from displeasure at an injustice.
Abuse arises from the sense of an affront to a bruised, indignant ego.

True anger focuses on the injustice as intolerable but reparable.
Abuse focuses on the other person as bad.

True anger aims at a deeper and more effective bond; an angry person moves toward the other.
Abuse wants to get the rage out no matter who gets hurt: an abuser moves against the other.

True anger coexists with and empowers love: fearless.
Abuse cancels love in favor of fear: fear-based.

True anger is nonviolent, in control, and always remains within safe limits.
Abuse is violent, out of control, derisive, punitive, hostile, and retaliatory.

True anger includes grief and acknowledges this.
Abuse includes grief but masks it with feigned invulnerability or denial.

True anger believes the other is a catalyst of anger.
Abuse believes the other is a cause of anger.

True anger treats the other as a peer.
Abuse treats the other as a target.

True anger is a form of addressing, processing, and resolving.
Abuse is a form of avoiding one’s own grief and distress.

Is is wrong to express anger?

No!  But how we do this can either benefit us or drive us from one another.  Need more help?  Give me a call and set up an appointment.

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

Adapted from How to Be An Adult in Relationships, by David Richo (Shambhala, 2002). Copyright (c) 2002 by David Richo.

Top 10 Qualities to Look for in a Relationship

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Are you looking for a life partner? Are you wondering if the one you’ve got is right for you? It is hard to know when you should run from a relationship.  Sometimes you may feel the need to slow down and think about how compatible you and your partner are. When we are in love we often have a rosy our view of our partner that tend to distort reality. We may ignore signals that things in the relationship might not be right. We all enjoy the lovely warm fuzzy feelings we experience in a new relationship, it can feel magical! But..

We often ignore bad qualities in our partner, because the chemistry is so strong…

Over time though, these bad qualities can compound and become huge issues that are carried around in the relationship. We can avoid this mistake by stepping back from those warm fuzzy feelings for minute and assessing for the personal qualities that make for a great life partner.

Top 10 Qualities to Look for in a Life Partner:

  1. Is the person open and receptive to feedback? Does he/she hear out your thoughts, feelings and ideas?  Do they consider them important? If a person is unable hear a differing opinion and at least consider it, they may become disrespectful or even down right selfish. If they need you and others to constantly agree with them, pity them, make them feel secure, or are not open to change, there may be trouble ahead.
  1. Does this person notice and appreciate the gifts and strengths of others? A person who notices and comments on the gifts and strengths of others has a sense of inner security. In a relationship, this person will encourage you. When you are down, they will point out your strengths and good qualities rather than needing to compete with you or put you down.  A person who has this quality will not try to dominate others or ‘one up’ people to feel important.  Instead, they will be on your team encouraging you and grow and growing with you.
  1. Is your partner happy? When a person is generally happy they will make you smile and do whatever it takes help you find happiness. This doesn’t mean your partner can’t have a bad day, but a partner who is generally content and happy will not be focused on making themselves happy. Instead, they will find ways to include you in their happiness and that kind of joy is contagious!
  1. Honesty and directness is incredibly important in a relationship. Can your partner state their ideas and views even if they are different from yours? Can they do it respectfully and with kindness? We all like have partners who agree with us, but we must both feel free to speak about things we may not agree about. If your partner can’t do this, they will eventually become an angry doormat.  You may eventually lose respect for this person. When either partner must give in or please the other partner constantly in order to make a relationship work, the relationship is in danger. When both people are able to consider each other’s point of view, the relationship is in a good place.
  1. Does this person know you? The true you? Does he or she care about your world, ask about your goals, and your gifts? Or do you feel invisible, unheard, or misunderstood? Do they notice when you aren’t feeling yourself? A person with this quality will be interested in you and will ask about how you are and what you are up to.  They may find ways to encourage you along the way. Put simply, they are interested in YOU!
  1. Steady and productive in their work and interests. Is your partner growing? Do people respect them? Responsible is one word that might describe them. Do they follow through in areas of responsibility even when they don’t feel like it? Are they willing to take the hard road in order to take care of a responsibility or make a mistake right? Are they a good role model? Ask yourself: Would I be proud to introduce them to my family and friends? 
  1. Respects your boundaries. Does your partner respect the boundaries you put in place?  Can they respect when you say you do not want to something you or when you feel it is too soon to engage in something? If they coerce or try to manipulate you, run! That means they are not able to consider anyone other than themselves.
  1. Look for a person who is able to control their anger. Everyone gets angry or upset sometimes. However, if a person who has a temper that flares or scares you, watch out. It will get worse over years of being together and could become abusive to you and your children.
  1. Integrity is integral to any relationship. Do you and others trust that this person is honest? Have they shown signs of dishonestly in little things? Can you trust they will be faithful to you if you were in a relationship with them? If so, then you can feel peace about where your relationship is headed.  If not, you may need to reexamine the relationship because integrity is integral to healthy relationships.
  2. A healthy person cherishes who you are and feels you are the best thing that has ever happened to them. True partnership has a mutual admiration! Both people feel a sense of adoration and feel that the other partner is amazing.

Avoid these relationship pitfalls! Take off the rose-colored glasses. Consider the relationship qualities in this article. What you find is important to your future and as you build a relationship that you will love to be in. Choosing a partner for life is one of the most important decisions you will ever make!  If it is not right, don’t waste time.

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!