Category Archives: Uncategorized

4 Relationship Destroying Behaviors

Posted on by

 

 

 

 

Relationships, are like anything else in life, they take work.  Would you expect to get a job as CEO of a large company right out of high school with no training or experience? Of course not! Yet many people think this way about relationships.  We expect to have happy relationships and marriages without any formal training, couples therapy, or work.  We often expect our relationship will simply be great on its own, without any planning or effort.

Our relational health has as much to do with our own mental health as it does with the health of the relationships that surround us.  If you are in your own personal therapy you are setting yourself up for a more successful relationship.  However, if your partner or family members are not working on themselves as well, your relationships won’t be as fulfilling as they can be. Why?  Because we can only be as healthy as our environment allows.

Many times, when one person starts getting healthy it upsets the ‘apple cart’ of their relationships.  Some people may try and get the ‘old you’ back by criticizing, telling you ‘you’ve changed’, and pushing back against your new boundaries.  This is a little like find out your old clothes don’t fit anymore and everyone asking you to put them back on.

Have you ever met a perfect person?  No? Then you know it is impossible to have two perfectly healthy people in a relationship.  Every couple get couples therapy, attend workshops, or read relationship books together on a regular basis.  These things are not just for when a relationship is in crisis.  These practices help us maintain a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

The 4 Relationship Destroying Behaviors

If you are experiencing any of the 4 behaviors that are destructive to relationships, you should not wait for things to resolve on their own.  Get into couples therapy, read literature, or go to a couple’s workshop soon in order to get your relationship back on track.

Criticism

  1. Criticism is not a critique or complaint, which are often helpful in relationships and are to be expected. Criticisms on the other hand attack a person’s character, worth, or assume another’s motives.

    1. Critiques or complaints start with I statements. I feel this way when you do this.
    2. Criticisms start with ‘you’ statements – you never think about others, you are so selfish, you are never on time,  ect.
Contempt
  1. Contempt goes beyond criticism. It is communication from a resentful place.  It is criticism laced with seething underlying anger.  Contempt goes beyond ‘you statements’ to an outright sense of superiority over others.
    1. Contempt mocks, belittles, and invalidates another person and their experience.
    2. Examples: “You are worthless” “Oh, cry me a river,”  “You are so lazy and selfish”
Defensiveness
  1. Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism and very common in relationships.  However, it can also be utterly destructive to relationships. Defensiveness allows us to remain in a victim roll, and makes us feel better about ourselves.  However, what defensiveness tells our partner is very concerning.  It tells them that we don’t take their concerns seriously, and we can’t or won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.
    1. Defensiveness  can look like skirting a question. For example: One partner asks “Did you take the trash out today like you said you would yesterday?” Defensive partner “Why do you always nag me? I was so busy today, I have a meeting at 9am and ….”
    2. Defensiveness can also look like blaming others. Given the same questions as above, a defensive partner may reply, “Why didn’t you take the trash out? If it is so important to you, you should do it yourself.”
Stonewalling
  1. Stonewalling is shutting down, turning away, and leaving the relationship ‘hanging’ in the middle of a disagreement. This behavior shuts out the other person and gives them and the relationship no chance to repair and reconnect.  Often, arguing with a partner can feel too overwhelming to tolerate, and stonewalling can feel like an easy way out of the argument.  A stonewalling partner may get “flooded” emotionally and need to take a break regroup before entering the conversation which is understandable.  But a stonewaller may instead completely block the other person out making a repair and reconnection impossible.
    1. Instead of stonewalling, a better approach would be to take a break by saying something like this, “I am feeling too overwhelmed right now to talk about this in a healthy way. I need a few minutes to regroup and then it will be easier to talk this through with you.”

It is important to identify these destructive 4 behaviors in your relationship and replace them with healthier communication tools.  Relationships are complex and many couples benefit from the help of couple’s therapy to overcome them.  If you feel as though you could use help with your communication, give me a call. I can help you!

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!

From Loss to Love

Posted on by

Think of the most painful moment of your life.  Just take a moment to actually think of it.  Was there a sense of loss attached to it?  Loss of a piece of yourself, loss of your dignity, loss of trust, loss of a person you loved?  Grief is painful.  The trouble with pain is that it is a signal to stop, turn around, change something, and to avoid potential harm.  We know this instinctively when we pull away from the sting of a bee, or a hot pan.  However, not everything painful is to be avoided.  Not everything we experience that is painful harms us.  In fact, sometimes the painful thing is what heals us and grows us. Sadness from loss does not mean something is broken or needs to be avoided. It simply means something important to you is gone and it is imperative that you identify what it is and honor the importance it had in your life.  This is what we call grief, and it is not always about losing a loved one (although it certainly can be) it is about any loss we experience.  In the midst of grief we might try to stop the memories, pleasant or painful.  We may try to push the pain of memories away, in an attempt to self-protect.  But the pain doesn’t go away when it is suppressed or avoided, it is still right there, under the surface, waiting to pounce.  Avoidance doesn’t lower the level of suffering, it simply makes suffering the problem instead of the loss.  The more you suppress the feelings, the harder it is to keep it them down.  This is when grief can turn into depression, anxiety, anger and a whole list of other symptoms.  The pain of loss is still there, it has just taken a different form.

Loss and painful emotions have some big lessons to teach us.  Pain instructs us about compassion and if we let it and do our own work we need to do in therapy.  Pain leads us to the source of wisdom that sets us free from the pain.  Grief instructs us about what is important in life. It provides opportunity for learning how to love truly, and increases our flexibility.  To open your heart to loss, is to open your heart to love.

“Growth is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck” – Mandy Hale

What to do with grief and loss:

  1. Acknowledge it – before healing can commence, we must know there is a wound. No feelings are good, bad,or off limits.  Feelings don’t define us, they just are.  They are here one minute and gone the next.  We need to stop and acknowledge what we are grieving and our feelings about the loss before we can move toward growth.
  2. Embrace the feelings – although uncomfortable, these painful feelings will not last forever. They may ebb and flow, but eventually they will lessen in intensity as we allow them to be present. To distract from grief is one way to ensure it will last a very long time. Sometimes there may be feelings that you feel don’t belong to grief, like freedom or joy, embrace those too, they are normal. Try not to judge your emotions.
  3. Prepare to be overwhelmed – Like a strong wave, grief may crash and spiral to the point where it feels overwhelming.  It will eventually soothe, just as the wave eventually comes to the shore.
  4. Watch your thoughts – Don’t judge yourself. “I should be over this by now,” “If only I’d done something different,” “I will never let myself be vulnerable like this again,” and “This is my fault” are examples of unhelpful and distorted thoughts.  Although a normal part of grief, it is important to distance yourself a bit and know that they might be completely untrue, or twisted.  Step back and unhook them. Set those negative thoughts aside, and decide to deal with them later, perhaps with a therapist or safe loved one who will show you the truth about yourself and won’t make you feel judged.
  5. Act on your beliefs and values – It is important to keep  your values front and center during a time of loss. Act in accordance with them despite the ebb and flow of your emotions and thoughts. Even if these emotions feel counter to your values and beliefs. Sometimes it is helpful to talk with a therapist or close friend about how these feelings might be distorting your actions away from your beliefs and values. Maybe your values and beliefs have changed, that is ok too, this can happen when we experience loss.
  6. Practice self-compassion – take care of yourself . Now is not the time to take on new things or get stressed out with additional work.  Accept help from a friend or loved one, or hire someone to do things around the house for a while.  Talk to yourself with compassion.

What now?

Loss and love come in a single package.  The fact that you feel loss, means you loved something or someone deeply.  Despite cultural messages that tell us to avoid painful feelings like the plague, grief is the stuff of life.  Like salt is to sugar, we need pain and joy to fully experience life as it is. Don’t avoid pain using drugs, anger, vacations, alcohol, T.V. or video games, shopping or material goods, or anything else that can cover up our grief and feelings of loss.  This only increases the pain and twists is into something else more menacing. To close yourself to pain and vulnerability is to close yourself off to love, or the ability and connect.

If you connected with this article and wish you could move through some pain to connect to the wisdom and love on the other side let me help you. Call 559-697-5045 and begin your journey toward inner healing

“If it was easy, everyone would do it.” — Jimmy Dugan

Do you live the Hanford or Visalia California area? Call me to set up a therapy appointment today!

Debra Schmitt, ACSW

Reno NV Therapist / California Teletherapy

Call: 559-697-5045

Find Me on Facebook!